After trying to get pregnant unsuccessfully for two years, my husband and I went down the IVF route and got pregnant on our first try with the twins. Yes, I have gone down that dark, dark road where no one wants to wander where I wonder if I was ever meant to be pregnant. I have wondered if "forcing" it with IVF and subsequently having twins and my body not being able to hold the pregnancy past 30 weeks somehow makes me responsible for Drake's brain injury from being born 10 weeks too early. But I haven't had enough wine to really go there tonight, so I will move on...
We were able to freeze two embryos when we did IVF, and there they have sat, frozen in a lab in San Ramon, CA. I just got the "rent" letter for the embryo storage and my husband and I have decided it's time to donate them to research. In the back of my mind, since learning about Drake, I have sort of held on to the thought that we could keep them for 10 - 15 years and use their stem cells to help Drake, once stem cell research has become more researched and accepted. But the place will only keep them for 5 years and the stem cells aren't Drake's, they are some unborn sibling and I don't think that they will be able to help him. I think in the long run, they will help Drake, and countless other people, if we donate them to research now. But even though I know I will never go through IVF again (meaning using them for future children), it's hard to let them go.
That brings me to the other thought of the night. More kids. My doctors could never find out why we couldn't get pregnant naturally. So after the two years of trying like bunnies to no avail, and the IVF and the twins, BANG, I got pregnant naturally when they were 7 months old. Go figure. I subsequently lost that pregnancy to a miscarriage and was secretly relieved, as I was in no place to have a third child when my twins (one of whom had been diagnosed with PVL and his outcome so unknown) were little infants.
But now that they are 17 months and we have a better idea about where Drake is headed developmentally, the question of three has come up again. As I mentioned, I would never do IVF again, but if it were to happen naturally, and the pregnancy stuck, I think I would welcome it now.
I don't know about you other twin mama's, but do you ever feel that having twins is like a 1.5 in terms of pregnancy and not a 2? I feel like my babies are growing up so fast and I'll never get these baby moments again like I would if I was able to have a second child a couple years after the first. I feel like I'd be so relaxed with the next kid, having it not be my first. I feel like I'd definitely have a singleton, so that would be great, too. Maybe I could make it past 30 weeks! But I am also terrified of the dark thoughts I alluded to earlier. I don't want another pre-term baby.
Of course all this is completely hypothetical, as I don't know if we can have a successful pregnancy naturally. But the letter about the embryos and my best friend being pregnant naturally after 6 years of trying and two unsuccessful IVFs, makes me have baby on the brain.